The Gentle Man, the Macho Man, Which One to Choose?

Julie swears to everyone that what she really and truly wants is a gentle man, an understanding man, a man who will respect her opinions and share the household tasks on an equal basis, in essence, she wants a "gentle man".  In bed, he is so considerate as to put her pleasure ahead of his.  Her husband is such a man and she can only be satisfied ...  But ... nonetheless, something is missing.  At times, she finds herself with a lack of desire. At the same time, she catches herself daydreaming about her neighbor, a single man who is an unrepentant seducer.

Marc, a man as gentle and attentive as can be, feels frustrated as he realizes, he says, that women seem to always prefer macho and conceited men who inevitably end up hurting them.

Why is it that women say that they want one thing but appear to be attracted by something else?

With the advent of the feminist movement, women realized that they could and should demand equality with men. Nowadays, women can get good paying jobs just like men and, as a consequence, they can assert themselves and make choices in life that suit them.  The tasks which they had traditionally fulfilled are no longer theirs to do alone, and in a relationship, it has become obvious that if the woman works on a job for as many hours as the man, household duties have to be shared on an equal basis between them.

Thus, learning to become responsible for themselves, women began to look for men who would know how to treat them as equals (at the beginning of the relationship but also when the two become an engaged couple as well as in bed).  Women now also want men who know how to negotiate decisions that concern the couple and who respect them in their personal choices (instead of deciding by himself for her and the the family).   Logically, then,  women would need to look for what is called, in french, a "pink man", that is somebody who will not be macho and who will share decisions and housework with her.  

However, the messages constantly received by women since early childhood predisposes them to value the virile, macho man.  A man so sure of himself that he is able to make decisions without needing to consult anyone else, and a man who is able to impose his sexual desires on his partner in the certainty that she shares his wishes anyway.  A virile man is a "Man", a "Real Man", or so say the messages received.  Being chosen as a mate by such a man can do nothing else but confirm the femininity of the woman chosen.  And when masculinity and femininity are involved, sexuality is bound to be involved too.  Actually, the feeling of being feminine is a big part of sexual desire in women (just like the feeling of masculinity is an important element of sexual desire in men).

Thus, the "pink man", drastically pales in comparison to the valued image of the virile man.  Attentive to his partner's needs and wishes and often letting her decide what they will do together, he does not seek to impose himself in the manner of the macho man, and by a rather strange turn of events he is perceived as incapable of asserting himself.  It is then said of the "pink man" that he lacks backbone.  Men find themselves in a double bind: on the one hand, their attitude has to one of equality toward their partner and, on the other hand, they must show that they are sure of themselves and take their partners in charge (in the way the virile man would).  

In terms of sexuality, matters don't get easier. In great part because of stereotypes and may be also partly because of biological instincts (it is difficult to exactly evaluate the influence of each), men and women traditionally expect  the man to be the one who takes the initiatives for sexual activities. 

But, following certain feminist discourses, many men started to be afraid to be perceived as agressors if they are to show too directly their interest toward a woman and if they are to take it on themselves to initiate sexual activities. In their wish to respect women, they are now afraid to upset them, to displease them. Often, they don't even dare asserting their sexual desire, perceiving as bestial and as having to be denied to the only profit of a sexuality based on loving tenderness and on the satisfaction of their partner's needs. This seems to be a very interesting program for the woman, at least at first. But eventually, the sexuality shared in between the two partners becomes boring because the genital aspect -- the simple pleasure of sex -- is also an essential part of sexuality and this is missing.

It is when the woman starts to dream about the "macho man" who will be able to bring her to the most wonderful moments of extasy. Attracted to him, she will sometimes fall into the trap. Nevertheless, that type of man, by definition, generally thinks only about  his own satisfaction and refuses to commit himself into a long term relationship. Or, when he does, he will often attempts to dominate his partner. Both of these situations end up with the woman feeling unhappy and often hurt.

What is there to do, then, in order to get things straightened up in all this? It is important, first:

In fact, sometimes, the partner is being quite equilibrated in terms of "pink man" and "macho man", but as women's expectations are contradictory, they tend to feel disappointed about their partner's attitudes and behaviors, whatever they are, since one of the two expectations is, inevitably, being unsatisfied.

For many women, finally, the ideal man would be somewhere in between the "pink man" and the "macho man". However, it is also essential that women recognize their own difficulties and learn to go beyond them, rather than to automatically blame their partner for their own dissatisfactions.

For many women, this means: