We see in the article on female sexuality how difficult
it can be for many women to feel at ease with their sexual desire when this
desire is a more genitally oriented one compared to a sexual desire that would
be based on the fulfillment of a need for closeness, commitment and intimacy.
However, sexuality is not easier
for men. This is so because, while we teach women to prefer the closeness/fusion
aspect of sexuality and to underappreciate its genital aspect, we teach exactly
the opposite to men. For them, it is thus the genital aspect that should be
preferred while the closeness/fusion aspect has to be more or less denied.
Thus, the young man learns
that, in order to be a “Man, a Real One”, he has to always be ready to
perform sex. He has to learn to approach women, to take the initiative to make
sexual advances, to see that his partner gets sexual pleasure and then to take
care of his own sexual pleasure. If he wants to avoid any doubt on his
masculinity, he has no other choice than to think sex, plan sex and perform sex.
The women themselves play the
game, unconsciously requesting that the male partner takes the sexual activities
in charge. This is so because if they were to take initiatives, it would mean
that they would have to admit that they do have sexual desires also.
Thus, women will let their partner decide when, where and how they will share
moments of sexual intimacy together, while reserving the right to refuse or to
criticize when their partner’s decision do not agree with them.
Prisoners of this role that
has been assigned to them, men become the ones who are most subject to face
rejection, if they misevaluate the degree of sexual desire of their partner.
They are also the ones who are perceived as being responsible for the failure of
the sexual relationship when a difficulty arises. Consequently, as they have to
succeed in order to prove they are men, they feel obligated to remain
concentrated on action (ex. to fondle their partner because she needs it to
become sexually excited) rather than on feeling (ex. to fondle their partner
because they feel tenderness for her). In doing so, they control better what is
happening and avoid any “mistake”.
On the other hand, many men
would like to emotively open themselves to their partner, to let themselves
explore and experience the closeness/fusion aspect of sexuality with her. But
they can’t allow themselves to do this without, once more, feeling questioned
about their masculinity. On one side, it would request of them to not take the
sole responsibility of the sexual activities as they would be more with their
feelings than into action. On the other side, it would force them to admit that
they are different from what present masculinity criteria request from then,
since they would admit their need to share moments of tenderness and of
closeness with their partner.
In summary, men and women both learned to experience only one aspect of sexuality (for men, it is the genital aspect; for women, the fusion aspect) and to avoid the other one. This means that neither one can fully achieve sexual fulfillment, while each one remains under the impression that the other one does not understand him/her and does not fulfill his/her sexual needs, which are nonetheless legitimate.