Uneasiness
Over Sex and Homosexuality
JI am 30 years
old, my partner is 35. We have been together three years. Our
love-making is restricted to the missionary position and takes place once or twice a
month. I am not satisfied with the quality and he is dissatisfied with the
quantity. I have tried to bring in a simulation game through which couples
learn to know the body of their partner as well as their own. He
simply refuses to play! He says it's nonsense. I know sexual
intercourse, from start to finish, so much by rote that I have lost interest.
If I ask for a little caressing during foreplay, he comes back with his
“it's nonsense” refrain. He's okay with oral sex when I do it to him,
but he never reciprocates. I am reluctant to discuss the matter with him
because he has a tendency to easily fly off the handle. Especially toward
this subject.
I am afraid that
he may have been touched sexually as a child. One of his uncles, now deceased, admitted to being
homosexual after marrying my partner's aunt and having had two children.
The family is afraid that this uncle forced his attentions on my spouse.
I am deeply in love with him and I know he loves me very much as well,
even if he doesn't say it. But I won't be able to live very much longer without sexual
intercourse or even with the missionary
position. And I don't want to look elsewhere for sex. Is there any way to bring
up the subject without making him feel that he is being attacked?
There are
several reasons that could explain your spouse's lack of interest in sex, but
sexual abuse is only one of them. For instance, it might be that your
spouse has developed awkwardness towards nudity and/or a performance anxiety
that makes him secure only with the missionary position, simply because of the sexual
messages received and of his own personality.
However, I do ask myself what prompted your spouse’s family to think that he was, perhaps, abused by his homosexual uncle as a child? Was it just because of the uncle's homosexuality or because the man also showed a pedophilic behavior?
Contrary to popular belief, homosexuality and pedophilia are two completely different matters. Being homosexual does not draw an individual to children any more than being heterosexual. It is possible that your spouse’s uncle actually was pedophile, but if he was a one, it wasn't because he was homosexual.
I also
wonder how your
spouse’s family reacted to the uncle's homosexuality. Were the news
well-taken, or was the uncle in question rejected (whether in a clear manner or
in a roundabout fashion, through repeated insinuations and innuendos regarding
his sexual orientation)? What is your own attitude toward
homosexuality?
Because of society's prejudices toward homosexuality, some male homosexuals
have great difficulty in admitting their homosexual orientation both to
themselves and to others, and like your spouse’s uncle, they will first try to
develop an interest in the opposite sex. Despite this, however, the
uneasiness continues to plaque the individual and, most often, in order to find sexual satisfaction with someone of the opposite sex, it becomes
necessary to use homosexual fantasies. As well, heterosexual
activities will often be reduced to the minimum so as to avoid having to
constantly deal with the uneasiness in question.
From what I can see, this kind of behaviour resembles that of your spouse, raising
the possibility that he himself is homosexual but is unable to admit it because
of the social rejection still present in our society. However, I can
only make an hypothesis as to what might be happening with respect to your spouse, and as
such I could obviously be mistaken. Your spouse would have to consult a
sexologist in order to identify the reason for his uneasiness over sexual
activities other than the missionary position and fellatio.
From your part, the best thing to do would be to talk to him about your
dissatisfaction with your sex life as a couple, and to talk to him, as well,
about your anxieties concerning the possibility that he was abused by his uncle.
If you feel comfortable talking about homosexuality in a positive manner,
you could ask him what he thinks, and how he feels, about his uncle's
homosexuality, as well as about homosexuality in general. It is obvious,
however, that your spouse will not find the matter easy to handle and it is
possible that he refuses to discuss it. Nobody can force him to.
Regardless of what results your discussions produce, it would be good to encourage him to
consult a sexologist. In the event that your spouse does admit to being
homosexual, he will need your support in order for him to better accept his
orientation.