When Your Partner Has Had Many Lovers
I've got a girl
friend for three months and I love
her an awful lot. I even think that she's the girl of my dreams, but there's something that bothers me about her. She's had about thirty
different lovers and I have difficulty with that. I asked her why she's
had so many, to which she answers that it was for pleasure and to fulfill sexual
needs.
But I don't believe that it was just for this reason. I'm not sure
whether I am wrong in criticizing her for this, or I'm at fault because I do
not have the same outlook on sex that she does, but whatever the case, I'm
anxious to straighten all this out in my mind. I would like to know why
she behaved this way and how I can come to terms with all this. I'm 22,
and my girl friend is 26.
The choice of whether or not to have sex with many different people is based on one's personal beliefs and on one's own view of sexuality. Many people maintain that sex should only be experienced and enjoyed in a couple relationship. Others, to the contrary, consider that it's perfectly alright to experience a sexuality that is free of sentimental attachments, or at least, to know many lovers and mistresses.
It is always difficult to discuss personal beliefs because they are an intrinsic part of us. Often, also, in a society such as ours, where we are free to choose what we want to believe, the beliefs we do espouse tend to be an answer that we developed in order to fullfil the unconscious needs and diminish the unconscious anxieties that we have.
The reasons why your girl friend has had those previous lovers could simply be exactly what she told you: pleasure and sexual needs. However, we can also cite other possible reasons for women: the fulfillment of a need to reassure oneself of one's femininity and sexual desirability, of a need to love and be loved, of a need to get closer to somebody when a lover is not yet a part of one's life, or on the contrary, to distance oneself from the other by avoiding stable relationships in order to not feel suffocated. Men might have similar reasons, except regarding sexual identity. For men, knowing many lovers can serve the purpose of reassuring them of their virility.
IChoosing to express one's sexuality only in a couple relationship does not mean that the individual is exempt from unconscious motives. There can be, here also, a more or less adequate attempt to fulfill unconscious needs and avoid anxieties. Thus, one can only question one's own motives concerning choices one has made and about the uneasiness one experiences toward the other possible choices.
It would undoubtedly be useful for you to ask yourself what
emotionally motivates your choice of sexuality, as well as
what emotionally bothers you about the fact that your friend had so many lovers before
meeting you. For example, is it the idea that this kind of woman is nothing but
a bad woman (according to popular belief). Are you afraid that she might
cheat on you? That she will compare you unfavorably to her past lovers? That she will be disappointed with your approach and your sexual
performance? Could there also be other reasons? Finding answers to these
questions could help you to feel better toward this different choice your girl
friend has made regarding the way she wanted to experience her sexuality.